You might think that mathematicians are dry, humourless people, but you’d be far from the truth. Mathematicians love to tell jokes. Especially about maths.

An infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar. The first mathematician says, “Half a pint of beer, please.” The second asks for a quarter of a pint. The third asks for an eighth of a pint. The fourth asks for a sixteenth, and so on. The barman says, “That’ll take forever. I’ll pour you one pint and that’s your limit!”

Do you get it? It helps if you know a little about the limit of an infinite series. I’ve been researching maths jokes recently and it turns out that 99.9% of them aren’t funny. Here are some that are.

What’s the difference between an introvert and an extrovert mathematician? An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at *your* shoes.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a person who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A farmer gives 100 metres of fencing to a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer and asks them to build a fence for his sheep. The physicist makes a circular fence. He tells the farmer that this maximises the area enclosed. The engineer fences off a square. He says that this is the most practical solution. The mathematician makes a circular fence using 1 metre of fencing, stands in the middle of the circle and throws the rest of the fence away. When the farmer asks what he’s doing, the mathematician explains that he’s standing on the outside of the fence and has enclosed the whole of the rest of the Earth.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Question: How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?

Answer: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon and have been blown off course. They call out for help: “Helllloooooo! Where are we?”

From the ground below comes a reply: “Helllloooooo! You’re in a hot-air balloon!”

The physicist says, “That must have been a mathematician.”

The engineer asks, “Why do you say that?”

The physicist replies: “The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless.”

Question: How can you tell that you are in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia?

Answer: They make you an offer that you can’t understand.

Salary Theorem: The less you know, the more you earn.

Proof:

Postulate 1: *Knowledge *is *Power*.

Postulate 2: *Time *is *Money*.

As every engineer knows: *Power* = *Work* / *Time *

And since *Knowledge* = *Power* and *Time* = *Money*, it is therefore true that *Knowledge* = *Work* / *Money *.

Therefore, *Money* = *Work* / *Knowledge *

Thus, as *Knowledge *approaches zero, *Money *approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of *Work *done.

There are two groups of people in the world; those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don’t.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.

There are two types of people in the world: those who can work with incomplete data.

One for computer mathematicians: There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary counting and those that don’t.

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A mathematical biologist spends his vacation hiking in the Scottish highlands. One day, he encounters a shepherd with a large herd of sheep. One of these cuddly, woolly animals would make a great pet, he thinks… “How much for one of your sheep?” he asks the shepherd. “They aren’t for sale”, the shepherd replies. The math biologist ponders for a moment and then says: “I will give you the precise number of sheep in your herd without counting. If I’m right, don’t you think that I deserve one of them as a reward?” The shepherd nods. The math biologist says: “387”. The shepherd is silent for a while and then says: “You’re right. I hate to loose any of my sheep, but I promised: One of them is yours. Have your pick!” The math biologist grabs one of the animals, puts it on his shoulders, and is about to march on, when the shepherd says: “Wait! I will tell you what your profession is, and if I’m right I’ll get the animal back.” “That’s fair enough.” “You must be a mathematical biologist.” The man is stunned. “You’re right. But how could you know?” “That’s easy: You gave me the precise number of sheep without counting – and then you picked my dog…”

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