What Facebook thinks I want

facebookFacebook knows me intimately. It knows where I live. It knows what I say. It knows what I like. It knows more about me than any other advertising agency in the history of the world.

And yet, this is Facebook’s data model of me: 


Seriously. Otherwise why would it show me the following advert every day?

Aged 45? Get £15,000 Funeral Life Cover from £1.10 a Week! Pay Costs & Leave Cash Gift!

Hmm. I wasn’t planning to die just yet. But maybe Facebook knows something I don’t?

In fact it does. Hence the following advert:

Ulcerative Colitis? Are you experiencing recurrent flares?

I have no idea what Ulcerative Colitis is, and are recurrent flares a kind of 1970’s fashion revival?

But wait, there’s this:

Real Lean Muscle. Learn how to get muscle no matter if you are big or small guy.

And also:

Fat stripper

Which is not what I first thought it was. (It’s a slimming product.)

What is it about my Facebook profile that suggests there are so many things wrong with my body?

Anyway, it seems that my imminent death and generally bad state of health don’t matter, because I also get a lot of this:

Singles on Facebook

Even though my status says “married.” But that probably also explains the occurrence of this final ad:

High net worth divorce

There are two faulty assumptions with this one. The first is that I want a divorce. Can you guess the second?

Anyway here’s my plan. I’m going to cure my Ulcerative Colitis and build some Real Lean Muscle, then send for a Fat Stripper to come around one evening when my wife is out. After that I’ll probably be needing a Divorce or possibly even some Funeral Life Cover. I knew it all made sense.

3 responses to “What Facebook thinks I want

  1. Lol, lol and more lol. Your in the wrong job Steve……you should have been a comedian! Tho if you do do all those things and Facebook was correct, please let your avid readers know. We may just start to take more notice of our Facebook noticefications!…..lol. Great Blog/rant mate.

  2. This is so well written and so funny! Honestly, I burst out laughing at the reference to flares. I’m enjoying your blog.

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