My son is currently reading a book in which the zombie apocalypse takes place at Waitrose (for the benefit of my American readers, Waitrose is an upscale grocery store where middle-class moms (“Yummy Mummies”) and their designer offspring go to buy organic stuff to take home in their Range Rovers). I also shop there, so I clearly belong to the same demographic and should not mock.
Anyway, I’ve complained about Waitrose before on this blog, and now I’ve noticed a further alarming development – the Yummy Mummies are becoming Dummy Mummies. Or should I say, they are gradually losing their ability to process thought coherently and are turning into Zombie Moms.
I’m talking about the dumbing down of language that’s taking place at Waitrose. Previously I reported that nectarines had been renamed “Stone Fruit.” Well now I can reveal that clementines have become “Easy Peelers.” Duh.
But there is far, far worse to be found at the fruit counter. Gone are the Egremont Russetts, the Claygate Pearmains, the Cox’s Orange Pippins and the Duke of Devonshires. The Cheddar Cross is no more; nor are the Norfolk Beefing, the Tydeman’s Late Orange or the Peasgood Nonsuch. In short, the poetry has been stripped from the season of mellow fruitfulness and in its place is a product labelled “Seasonal apples.”
I asked the manager if they had any unseasonable apples, but he said they were not available at this time of year. Anyway, I told him I’d be watching for further crimes against language and reporting back on this blog. I think he thinks I’m a weirdo, but that’s OK, because as you know, I am.
To be continued …